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Back to White: Hello Winter 13/14

November 22, 2013 eamillikin2 Comments

Now that the shock of last week’s tornados dulls back down into the low grade, white noise of confusion, I can go back to talking about what I like talking about. Winter.

Last Saturday I made my first foray up my new home, Stratton Mountain. After about 6 straight days of snowmaking, the upper mountain rolled with whales, but no lift service. So I did what any self-respecting slackcountryist would do: I strapped my skis to my backpack and hiked.

Memorial Day weekend, I hiked Stowe on my own. It was also the first time I’d ever done such a thing, and one of the few times I’d ever skied by myself. Looking back, I hiked Mansfield that morning because I had something to prove. Exactly what, I’m still not sure, but I think it had to do with love and independence. (Spoiler alert: most everything I do in some way returns to love and independence.)

I needed to prove that I love skiing for skiing’s sake. That this is the sport I do precisely because it’s difficult, because it requires time and sweat and heart. I also felt I needed to prove that I can take care of myself. That I can rely on myself to make wise decisions while moving with the mountain, not against it, and that I can do these things all on my own.

Last Saturday, I was three quarters of the way up the mountain when I realized I had nothing to prove. That day, wearing almost the same clothes and almost the same gear, it struck me that I was on the mountain because I love skiing, and that I was by myself simply because that’s what was most convenient. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. I wasn’t even trying to impress myself. I was just going up for the sheer pleasure of going down.

It’s awfully exhausting to have something to prove.

Over a delicious salad, pizza, and beer, I told my sister-in-law that I felt that I’d found myself and – just like in the Avicii song – I didn’t know I was lost. She laughed and said, “Just think, you’re going to find yourself at least six more times in your life.”

I laughed along, too. She’s probably right, but I hope that I can hold on to this feeling of nothing-to-proveness for as long as I can. To quote my favorite UpWorthy video of the month: I do not accept the ephemeral nature of this moment.

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Tomorrow is the first day of Stratton’s lift served season. I’m waking up early to capture the Opening Day excitement. Follow Stratton’s Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram if you can’t make it. I’m also sure I’ll be updating my personal accounts, too.

Happy winter. xo

After the storm comes the relief.

November 17, 2013 eamillikin1 Comment

Tomorrow morning, I am going to have a very surreal answer to the question, “How was your weekend?”

Well, it was great! I hiked and skied Stratton, saw United We Ski, went to an estate auction, and my parents survived a tornado.

Let me emphasize that last bit… My parents survived a tornado.

Six years ago, give or take, my parents moved from their lifelong New England haunts to a town in Illinois. If you’ve seen the news today, you might have heard the names Peoria and Washington. My parents live in Washington. Lived? Is it past-tense already? I mean, the house is still there in that it still has four walls and some roof. But sections of siding were torn off, great chunks of roof are missing, every window in the house is broken. A swing set is in the bathroom. A neighbor’s sock was on the stove. And yet – the picture of sunflowers I painted in 7th grade was still on the wall, hanging at a drunken angle. I hate that painting. I never understood why Mom liked it so much and insisted on having it framed and put on display in the most public room of our house.

My brothers and I, separated on each coast, have no idea the real extent of the damage. We have no understanding of the senseless, random havoc a tornado unleashes. We just have pictures. Mother took a photo from “five houses away,” only there’s no frame of reference anymore. There are no houses anymore. No walls. No lovingly cultivated shrubbery. Just rubble. Two-by-fours broken and sticking out at weird angles. The colorful detritus of their neighbors’ daily lives.

When I was disconnected from my mother the first time, a small voice in me said, “There it is: the end of your good luck.” But even as the voice started whispering, a larger, stronger one interrupted. “No,” this other part of me said, “you are the luckiest girl in the world.”

When I heard my mother’s voice the second time, much calmer, focusing on the foreign sock on her beloved stove, I cried. I cried with relief and thankfulness and love. My parents are alive and unhurt – and so is that goddamn painting.

The third time I spoke to Mom, two of their local friends had already arrived and a third was just pulling in after a four hour drive from Minnesota. They sweet talked their way through the blockade (Washington, Illinois is now a disaster zone, which means limited access) to put plywood and plastic over the gaping windows. When my parents leave home tonight, they won’t know for sure when they’ll be let back in. They don’t know if looters will come in the night and pick through the remains. But I told her it didn’t matter. All that stuff’s just stuff. We’ll get her new pottery, buy Dad a new bicycle. We’ll replace all of those things. The detritus doesn’t matter. What matters is that we have them: Mom and Dad. (And the painting. No one in their right mind would steal that painting.)

This puts me in mind of The Burning House project – a collection of photographic responses to the question “what would you take with you?” The answer: Nothing, nothing. Just this. Just life.

Of course, not everyone in Washington and the surrounding areas were as lucky as my parents. Please keep their neighbors in your hearts.

Country vacation

March 30, 2013 eamillikinLeave a comment

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a peanut butter jar?All of them. — How many licks does it take to get to the center of a peanut butter jar?
All of them.

I’m in the country this weekend, dogsitting for a friend.

Springtime is more noticeable here. There are songbirds at the feeder and a hawk circling the field, the buzzing of the clusterflies rising from the earth – creatio ex nihilo. But down the hill where the sun doesn’t shine, a layer of snow holds on to the ground like a lover.

My first act when I arrived this morning was to lay on the wood floors with my arms wrapped around the dog. Then, after stirring the fire, I sat outside in the air with the dog at my feet, her hounddog eyes tracking everything that moved. It was too cold this morning to sit like I was, on a bench in the front yard with only a t-shirt on, but my skin craved the light.

Then a hike up Mt Philo, a dog and a friend in tow. (Mostly for the fresh air, but also to check in on my knee. This is a test. If I can hike, then I can hike Mt Washington. If I can ski, than I can ski Tuckerman Ravine.)

All in all, the country day my spirit craved. The dirt road, the wood-fueled furnace, the cat asleep by the fire, the dog chasing squirrels across the yard. A few words on a page. That’s all.

The utmost importance of the moment

January 22, 2013 eamillikinLeave a comment

Beauty is thus an altered state of consciousness, an extraordinary moment of poetry and grace.

Beauty is a sunset over Lake Champlain, a barista that knows your order by heart, six inches of powder in the trees, and parallel lines of fresh corduroy on the trails. Beauty is the smell of snow that greets you first thing in the morning as you step outside balancing breakfast and car keys and briefcase.

I can’t wait to get back into the mountains.

Quote by Leonard Koren, Wabi-Sabi: For Artists, Poets, & Philosophers

“Focus on the seasonality of things.”

January 8, 2013 eamillikinLeave a comment

“Focus on the seasonality of things” is a line from my #muse, and I’ve decided to take my character’s advice.

I waited five minutes for fresh whipped cream. Best decision ever. — Espresso con panna from BTV’s Muddy Waters

I am thankful for:

how a layer of snow makes the world seem new
cold, bright days
the smell of tea tree oil
espresso con panna with fresh whipped cream
text messages from friends with new diamond rings
and, of course, days spent in the mountains

Why Build Soil?

January 6, 2013 eamillikinLeave a comment

I'm not telling you, though. — Whose woods these are I think I know
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

Because of Robert Frost.

Growing up in suburban Massachusetts, Frost’s poems transported me to the fields and forests of Vermont – the Vermont of my summers by the lake and my winters in the mountains, and the imaginary Vermont where I swore I would someday live.

My first poem was Fire & Ice, memorized from the pages of my eldest brother’s diary. (Otherwise, it wasn’t very interesting. No offense, Drew… and… uh. Sorry for reading your diary.)

Much later, in college, I flipped through The Complete Works, drifting from poem to poem. When I was lonely or anxious, they were a source of comfort.

He writes for me, speaks to me in the silence & beauty of the North – in crumbling stone walls and bending birches.

Buil Soil: A Political Pastoral is not his best work. It’s rather long. It’s rather of boring. I have no intention of ever memorizing it. But it contains some of the most beautiful fragments in literature.

Hello 2013

December 31, 2012January 4, 2013 eamillikinLeave a comment

Every December 31st, I listen to this song. It’s a sad goodbye to the year behind, and a sweet wistful prayer for the new year.

Goodbye, 2012. You were an exceptional year, full of strange and beautiful surprises.

It’s nice to meet you, 2013. I’m ready for you.

•

It’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last.

I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself

To hold on to these moments as they pass.

Living Soy-Free (ish…)

December 29, 2012January 4, 2013 eamillikin2 Comments

I’m really bad at having a food allergy. Especially when it’s an ingredient as common as soy. I’m constantly eating things I shouldn’t. Slabs of sashimi dunked in soy sauce, as an obvious example, but also slope-side bites of granola bars, Wheat Thins, pasta sauce… I don’t even bother asking for an ingredients list when I go out to eat.

Did I mention that many lotions, soaps, shampoos, conditioners, makeup, and lip balms contain soy? Pretty awesome, eh?

This food allergy thing is all new to me. I only noticed something was amiss last year, although the symptoms – queasiness, skin irritation, acne, exceptional palor – have been going on since freshman year of college. In college, it was all so weird. I fet sick to my stomach near constantly and suddenly struggled with itchy, zitty skin. But after a day eating Mom’s home cooked and serendipitously soy-free meals, my stomach would settle and I’d feel bright again.

More recently, I noticed the skin on my legs getting more and more irritated, no matter how much lotion I used. Turns out, Vitamin E and Tocopherol are soy-derived and in most skin care products, including the little lubricating strip on razors. Again, pretty awesome.

I haven’t given up on all soy-foods yet. I’m too lazy to search through the aisles to find a new, soy-free shampoo. And I’m much too attached to Oreo cookies to stop eating them for any reason.

Soy milk's gross anyway. — At least lattes are easy to get soy-free.

But I will miss golden fried tofu, edamame, and the Thai chicken pizza from Leonardo’s.

My fingers are crossed that soy allergy will go the way of gluten intolerance… and become the next big dietary craze. It’s one of the most common food allergies after all. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

But, it could be worse. I could be allergic to steak. Or cheddar cheese. Or the cold. Now that would be truly horrible.